What I Learned From My Past Failed Friendships
We’ve all been there. We’ve all had friendships that didn’t work out. Friendships that ended mutually, friendships that simply grew apart, and sometimes you have toxic friendships that you have to cut. There are so many reasons why friendships fail. However, friendship breakups should be something not to dwell on. Yes, they’re hard and painful (if that’s the case); but at one point, these people were with you through it all and now they’re not. And as natural as the cycle of life, whether you like it or not, friendships come and go.
I like to think of it this way: people are placed into different timelines of our lives for a reason. I strongly believe this. Within these past few years, there have been many friendships that have disappeared from my life. I actually experienced an epiphany during my first year in university where I had to truly reevaluate who I was spending my time with. I realized how important authenticity was for me. If I couldn’t be my true self around these people, why waste my precious time, right? Considering how young I was (still am haha), I did what I had to do. I had to cut these people off. I ghosted them. I mean, it wasn’t at all abrupt, I simply distanced myself.
I know it’s not the greatest thing in the world, and I’m not proud of it, but at what point do I have to prove to anyone my own unhappiness. I’ve come to realize that these friendships of mine lacked deep intimacy because as soon as I distanced myself, the other party never questioned it. It either shows that they never cared, or they respected it. I’ll never know, and that’s more than okay. It might seem selfish to you, and if you were ever ghosted, I really am sorry about that, but I only wish the best. Do hear me out.
I like to think that it’s more than okay and normal to outgrow someone whether or not they feel the same way. If you have to cut certain people in your life that have been there for far too long, but they no longer serve you, do it. This process and journey is integral to our own personal growth. It’s an act of self-care. As Ashley Fern of Elite Daily once said, “This age [our twenties] breeds an essential degree of narcissism, as it is the most integral age in your development and it is a necessarily heartless endeavor. You must capitulate to that narcissism because, in the end, you must be most concerned with your own growth.” Again, if someone is not serving you in the way you want to be treated, it’s time to go. Most of the time, these ex-friends of mine didn’t give enough effort to keep the friendship going. I’m not high-maintenance in any means, but a simple, mutual effort is all I ask. Life is too short for half-assed friendships.
Plus, too many friendships are built around convenience these days. If one friend is always readily available and one is not, this truly becomes an unhealthy relationship. We need a mutually beneficial connection where both people can rely on each other for protection and comfort. And you’ll know when a friendship isn’t working, you’ll literally feel it in your veins. Trust these feelings and instincts. All while typing this, I realize I haven’t touched on those friendships that simply grew apart. Sometimes you just outgrow certain people. Don’t dwell and try to fix it, just accept it and move on. If you no longer have the same perspective or take in life with this person, it’s time to move on. Having some sort of common ground is super important. If we’re not in the same stage, have nothing in common, or the overall intimacy of the friendship isn’t there anymore, there’s really nothing you can do about it but to let it happen. Let it drift.
As you can see, friendships evolve over time for all kinds of reasons. Yes, it’s hard to accept, but do keep in mind that saying goodbye can sometimes be life’s way of creating space to say hello to new people.
While friendships have been lost this year, there have also been many gains. This is the yin and yang manifesting in our lives. I remind myself that these experiences and years are the most crucial time to my development, and I should always be proactive about it. If someone was meant to be in my life, they will somehow roll into it again. If not now, then in the near future. And if not, that’s okay too. I acknowledge how painful it is to lose a friend especially if they were there with you for a very long time. But remember that every goodbye is setting the next stage for people who are a better fit in our lives helps make it a little easier.
I’m thankful that at age 22, I think I’ve solidified my group of friends. I’m always open to meeting and making brand new meaningful friendships, but so far, I’m incredibly happy with the people I surround myself with. I hope these guys feel the same way too — y’all know who you are, I love you! My tribe may be small but it’s for sure mighty.
Submitted by Ann Marie Villegas.